The other day I was telling a colleague about the lives of the lawyers who attend our monthly Solo Practitioners Forum. In the process, he and I both realized that running a solo practice requires a surprisingly long list of skills. Some of them are:
· Legal/Intellectual – this goes without saying, and calls upon much of what you learned in law school and in subsequent reading and continuing education, but no one can know it all. A major problem arises when lawyers, not recognizing their limits, fail to ask for guidance from someone who knows more about a particular subject.
· Accounting – unless you have paid staff, you have to log your time spent, bill your clients, and keep track of where your accounts stand. I can’t tell you how many lawyers I have met who are months behind in billing. For some of them, it’s because they are uncomfortable asking for money, especially from clients they know are far from well off. (Naturally, this is easier when someone else asks on your behalf.) They may feel a degree of shame for billing for services that were, perhaps, not delivered in a timely fashion. Or they may just have a brain that is allergic to columns, rows, and figures.
· Marketing – there may have been a time when just being a competent lawyer would eventually create enough word-of-mouth referrals, but that is no longer enough. Aside from CPCS as a ready source of (low-paying) referrals, the solo practitioner must figure out ways to get business. For most, it’s uncomfortable and oh-so-avoidable to contact people asking them to send business your way, or, for example, to do public speaking or spend a bunch of money on ads.
· Interpersonal – a slew of interpersonal skills are required to know how to deal with a variety of clients with different personalities, not to mention legal adversaries, judges, clerks, etc. – each of whom calls for a different approach. It helps to be able to read body language, discern unspoken agendas or expectations, etc., and to consciously manage your own reactions to individuals who “press your buttons.” Some practices call for evolved skills in negotiation or persuasion. And some clients behave in ways that require diplomacy in the form of clear limit-setting so as to avoid burning out or losing your temper.
· Organizational – in order to make a living, any lawyer has to be relatively efficient and productive. Most clients would not care to pay for your hours spent in reverie, even if you are finding parallels between their case and your readings of Proust, never mind Facebook. So you need to schedule yourself, keep yourself motivated, keep on top of deadlines, and prioritize tasks by importance, urgency, etc. Those who work at law firms have others around, and to whom they answer, to notice if their noses veer from the grindstone, or if they are putting undue work into matters that don’t demand it, or if they are taking too long to get back to clients, but those in solo practice must be their own overseers.
I’m sure that there is much more, but it becomes obvious how many skills and tasks must be juggled in order to carry on a solo practice. In order to thrive, and stay out of trouble, it is important to be aware of how you are doing on each dimension – few people could be adept at all of these functions. Identifying real deficits in any of these areas calls for action, such as delegating some tasks or getting further training or coaching for yourself. Those who attend our Solo Practitioners Forum use the opportunity to clarify, vent, brainstorm, and seek solutions. But that group is not always the right option for the lawyers who come to us for assessment; sometimes the thing that helps most is a referral to, for example, an organizational coach, mentor, or counselor. We also frequently refer to the Law Office Management Assistance Program (LOMAP), which is funded by LCL. It makes sense for practitioners to make use of such resources when you realize just how demanding and multifaceted a job they face.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Universal Coverage? Not Exactly
On occasion, the “universal” health coverage system initiated in Massachusetts during the Romney administration and sustained in the Patrick years has been pointed to as a model of what might be accomplished on a national scale. As the various kinds of “public options” seem to be fading away, it looks even more similar – adding a requirement for all citizens to arrange coverage, without any substantial renovation in the system (e.g., there is clearly no appetite for adopting the kinds of systems found in most other countries, even though many of them reportedly offer better care at much lower expense). It is quite understandable that the idea of losing our familiar forms of medical coverage triggers anxiety in most of us. The Massachusetts plan does have a kind of “public option,” but it has not made coverage truly universal. The problem, and I am not claiming to have the answer on its solution, is that many citizens, having no way to pay for the mandated coverage, continue to go without it. [Let me be clear that I am taking no political side here, since there are clearly drawbacks in any approach that has been proposed – my concern is strictly for those who need care that they cannot get.]
Personally, I was very pleased when the Massachusetts plan came along, because I had been able to present few treatment options to lawyers who came to LCL (or others who consulted with me elsewhere) in need of therapy or medication but with no means to pay for it. Publically subsidized clinics and mental health centers had long since become unable to offer truly low-cost services (probably since the end of the Dukakis administration), so the main option remaining was to refer people to community-oriented hospitals drawing upon a statewide “free care pool.”
Little did I suspect that I would be faced with a significantly larger number of uninsured lawyers after the advent of “universal” coverage here in the Bay State – and virtually nowhere to send them (since the free care pool subsequently diminished or disappeared).
I don’t think that the advent of expanded coverage itself could have caused an increase in numbers of uninsured middle class citizens – that must be a reflection of the economy – and I’m sure it has reduced the number of uninsured citizens in dire poverty. [I don’t have evidence that the trend toward more uninsured even extends beyond lawyers who come to LCL, but there was no mistaking it among those I saw there.] Aside from imposing state income tax penalties on those without coverage, the new Massachusetts plan brought about two main changes in coverage options: (1) private insurers began making some more affordable plans directly available to consumers and (2) the state began offering its Medicaid plan, MassHealth, to a significantly expanded group of residents, under the name of Commonwealth Care.
But consider the case of an LCL client (or other citizen) with a spouse, 2 kids, and a combined family income of $70,000. The private insurers have developed stripped down plans, with less extensive coverage resulting in lower premiums for young adults -but not much lower for those who have reached middle age. So, what about the public option, Commonwealth Care? In order to qualify for Commonwealth Care (the application is somewhat cumbersome and processing takes well over a month), your income must be less than 300% of Federal Poverty Guidelines. For our hypothetical lawyer/consumer with a household of 4, that means under $66,168 – and he will still have to pay about $1200 a year in premiums. In order to get the least comprehensive plan and not pay premiums, the annual family (of 4) income would have to be under $33,084. An individual (family of one) would have to make less than $16,260 to receive fully subsidized coverage. (That individual can get Commonwealth Care with an income of under $33,084, but would be paying premiums.) Of course, just like private insurance, the plan also requires co-pays for office visits and prescription drugs (with an annual cap on out-of-pocket expenses).
Thus, more than one lawyer seeing me at LCL has demonstrated that, since s/he makes too much money to qualify for Commonwealth Care, there is no way to afford health insurance without giving up, say, food, the house, or the car. They can better afford the tax penalty. Certainly, hospitals will not throw them out on the street if they require emergency care. But for less urgent services, and certainly for most LCL referrals, consumers are on their own – “free care” is apparently difficult or impossible to come by. As the state’s coffers empty, the capacity to subsidize coverage may further erode. At LCL, we do what we can to help, but too often it is simply not possible to arrange the kind of treatment to which we would refer any of our insured clients. This may be the best that can be realistically expected in this place and time, but it is not “universal” care.
If you live in Massachusetts and currently lack health insurance, here is how to find out what you’re eligible for: Get on the internet (at the library if you don’t have it at home), and go to www.mahealthconnector.org. Click “Individuals and Families” or “Young Adults,” whichever applies, fill in the requested information (e.g., family size, income), and you will be led to either the opportunity to apply for Commonwealth Care or to a selection of private health plans, with information on their costs and benefits. If you are still left in the cold…. Well, let’s see what happens on a nationwide level…….
Personally, I was very pleased when the Massachusetts plan came along, because I had been able to present few treatment options to lawyers who came to LCL (or others who consulted with me elsewhere) in need of therapy or medication but with no means to pay for it. Publically subsidized clinics and mental health centers had long since become unable to offer truly low-cost services (probably since the end of the Dukakis administration), so the main option remaining was to refer people to community-oriented hospitals drawing upon a statewide “free care pool.”
Little did I suspect that I would be faced with a significantly larger number of uninsured lawyers after the advent of “universal” coverage here in the Bay State – and virtually nowhere to send them (since the free care pool subsequently diminished or disappeared).
I don’t think that the advent of expanded coverage itself could have caused an increase in numbers of uninsured middle class citizens – that must be a reflection of the economy – and I’m sure it has reduced the number of uninsured citizens in dire poverty. [I don’t have evidence that the trend toward more uninsured even extends beyond lawyers who come to LCL, but there was no mistaking it among those I saw there.] Aside from imposing state income tax penalties on those without coverage, the new Massachusetts plan brought about two main changes in coverage options: (1) private insurers began making some more affordable plans directly available to consumers and (2) the state began offering its Medicaid plan, MassHealth, to a significantly expanded group of residents, under the name of Commonwealth Care.
But consider the case of an LCL client (or other citizen) with a spouse, 2 kids, and a combined family income of $70,000. The private insurers have developed stripped down plans, with less extensive coverage resulting in lower premiums for young adults -but not much lower for those who have reached middle age. So, what about the public option, Commonwealth Care? In order to qualify for Commonwealth Care (the application is somewhat cumbersome and processing takes well over a month), your income must be less than 300% of Federal Poverty Guidelines. For our hypothetical lawyer/consumer with a household of 4, that means under $66,168 – and he will still have to pay about $1200 a year in premiums. In order to get the least comprehensive plan and not pay premiums, the annual family (of 4) income would have to be under $33,084. An individual (family of one) would have to make less than $16,260 to receive fully subsidized coverage. (That individual can get Commonwealth Care with an income of under $33,084, but would be paying premiums.) Of course, just like private insurance, the plan also requires co-pays for office visits and prescription drugs (with an annual cap on out-of-pocket expenses).
Thus, more than one lawyer seeing me at LCL has demonstrated that, since s/he makes too much money to qualify for Commonwealth Care, there is no way to afford health insurance without giving up, say, food, the house, or the car. They can better afford the tax penalty. Certainly, hospitals will not throw them out on the street if they require emergency care. But for less urgent services, and certainly for most LCL referrals, consumers are on their own – “free care” is apparently difficult or impossible to come by. As the state’s coffers empty, the capacity to subsidize coverage may further erode. At LCL, we do what we can to help, but too often it is simply not possible to arrange the kind of treatment to which we would refer any of our insured clients. This may be the best that can be realistically expected in this place and time, but it is not “universal” care.
If you live in Massachusetts and currently lack health insurance, here is how to find out what you’re eligible for: Get on the internet (at the library if you don’t have it at home), and go to www.mahealthconnector.org. Click “Individuals and Families” or “Young Adults,” whichever applies, fill in the requested information (e.g., family size, income), and you will be led to either the opportunity to apply for Commonwealth Care or to a selection of private health plans, with information on their costs and benefits. If you are still left in the cold…. Well, let’s see what happens on a nationwide level…….
Friday, December 11, 2009
Taking on Depression: The Bottom Line: No Laughing Matter
The need to make a change in order to overcome depression has been the theme of this series. The mind, heart/feelings, and body are the 3-in-1, highly reciprocal triumvirate of the human personality. Change the mind, and the emotions and body respond. Change the body, and the mind and emotions respond. Change the feelings, and the body and mind respond. Therefore, when it comes to depression, there may be a variety of access points to begin to leverage change.
If you are someone who struggles with mild to moderate depression, you may find the strategies described in this series very useful, enlightening, and effective. If you have a persistent moderate depression, and experience difficulty implementing and/or benefitting from these approaches, you should consider “hiring” a good therapist to help you support and focus your efforts to change. In some cases, the use of medication for a period of time can help you get some traction to the point that self-reinforcing behaviors begin to “take,” and for many the need for medication diminishes.
Depression is no laughing matter and should be addressed as early as possible, preventing a more severe decline in mood. A long-standing, severe and entrenched depression is often best addressed as a medical problem, and anti-depressant medication is often necessary, perhaps for an extended period. In such cases, symptom reduction via medication can make it possible to make better use of psychotherapy to address deeper needs, wounds, beliefs, and losses.
Fundamental to these deeper sources of depression are troublesome undercurrent human emotions such as fear and anger. When, despite the discomfort associated with them, fear and anger are consciously experienced and acknowledged, i.e., when you “own” them, as some say, they have less power over you, and offer useful information about your personal experience. You are then able to respond, rather than react, with constructive, responsible, decision-making concerning the situations/conditions that evoked them. In so doing, you are no longer victim; you reclaim and exercise your power.
One of the issues to be addressed in psychotherapy may be what I call an unconscious commitment to depression. Sufferers of long-term depression may be quite aware that they are depressed, may even be quite aware of many of the root causes, but they may be quite unaware that their depression has become a part of their identity, that they are unwittingly clinging to it, trapped by their grief, and by their vulnerabilities and fears of a fuller engagement in life with all its surprises, disappointments, and responsibilities. When this is the case, they may refer to their depression as “my depression,” see themselves as defined by their depression, and anticipate feeling quite lost without it. They may doubt their capacity to even imagine feeling truly good, truly alive. No wonder depression can be, for some, so insidious and tenacious!
Depression can have an insidious affect on loved ones as well, as the sufferer of long-term depression may also unwittingly hold and subtly communicate an expectation that others understand and be complicit with their limitations. However, for others to take responsibility for, or somehow participate in the depression, only serves to generate guilt and resentments that tend to feed and “spread” the depression. The challenge for family members and friends is to offer compassionate acceptance and support without infantilizing or buying into the loved one’s incapacitation, and to insist that the depressed person obtain treatment. To curtail their own enjoyment of life in any way, or succumb to guilt for being happy or having fun when their loved one may be miserable is a type of co-dependent behavior that serves no one, especially not the depressed person. It is therefore important that family and friends take care of themselves and allow themselves as full a ration of fun and enjoyment as possible.
There ought to be no shame in suffering from depression, and no stigma for seeking help. Depression is part of the human experience, and severe depression is now recognized as a treatable medical condition. Combination therapy that may include medication, psychotherapy, and use of techniques such as those offered in this series are generally quite successful and offer the participant valid hope for change and the prospect of becoming more happily and gratefully engaged again in life.
When you take on depression, you are taking on a challenge; the longer and deeper the depression, the greater the challenge. Whether you struggle with a low grade, a moderate, or a severe depression, you can overcome it with persistence, determination and patience. Strive for progress, slow steady progress, and take it one day at a time, employing at least one strategy every day, starting as early in the day as possible. Keeping it in the day, so to speak, can help free you from the failures or regrets of the past (and we all have them) and protects you from anxieties about the future.
For many, overcoming depression, whether accomplished through self-help strategies or with professional help, is a learning, letting go, and self-acceptance process: learning how to be happy, letting go of (or becoming reconciled with) those conditions or parts of yourself that have held you back, and embracing yourself with compassion and humor.
If you are someone who struggles with mild to moderate depression, you may find the strategies described in this series very useful, enlightening, and effective. If you have a persistent moderate depression, and experience difficulty implementing and/or benefitting from these approaches, you should consider “hiring” a good therapist to help you support and focus your efforts to change. In some cases, the use of medication for a period of time can help you get some traction to the point that self-reinforcing behaviors begin to “take,” and for many the need for medication diminishes.
Depression is no laughing matter and should be addressed as early as possible, preventing a more severe decline in mood. A long-standing, severe and entrenched depression is often best addressed as a medical problem, and anti-depressant medication is often necessary, perhaps for an extended period. In such cases, symptom reduction via medication can make it possible to make better use of psychotherapy to address deeper needs, wounds, beliefs, and losses.
Fundamental to these deeper sources of depression are troublesome undercurrent human emotions such as fear and anger. When, despite the discomfort associated with them, fear and anger are consciously experienced and acknowledged, i.e., when you “own” them, as some say, they have less power over you, and offer useful information about your personal experience. You are then able to respond, rather than react, with constructive, responsible, decision-making concerning the situations/conditions that evoked them. In so doing, you are no longer victim; you reclaim and exercise your power.
One of the issues to be addressed in psychotherapy may be what I call an unconscious commitment to depression. Sufferers of long-term depression may be quite aware that they are depressed, may even be quite aware of many of the root causes, but they may be quite unaware that their depression has become a part of their identity, that they are unwittingly clinging to it, trapped by their grief, and by their vulnerabilities and fears of a fuller engagement in life with all its surprises, disappointments, and responsibilities. When this is the case, they may refer to their depression as “my depression,” see themselves as defined by their depression, and anticipate feeling quite lost without it. They may doubt their capacity to even imagine feeling truly good, truly alive. No wonder depression can be, for some, so insidious and tenacious!
Depression can have an insidious affect on loved ones as well, as the sufferer of long-term depression may also unwittingly hold and subtly communicate an expectation that others understand and be complicit with their limitations. However, for others to take responsibility for, or somehow participate in the depression, only serves to generate guilt and resentments that tend to feed and “spread” the depression. The challenge for family members and friends is to offer compassionate acceptance and support without infantilizing or buying into the loved one’s incapacitation, and to insist that the depressed person obtain treatment. To curtail their own enjoyment of life in any way, or succumb to guilt for being happy or having fun when their loved one may be miserable is a type of co-dependent behavior that serves no one, especially not the depressed person. It is therefore important that family and friends take care of themselves and allow themselves as full a ration of fun and enjoyment as possible.
There ought to be no shame in suffering from depression, and no stigma for seeking help. Depression is part of the human experience, and severe depression is now recognized as a treatable medical condition. Combination therapy that may include medication, psychotherapy, and use of techniques such as those offered in this series are generally quite successful and offer the participant valid hope for change and the prospect of becoming more happily and gratefully engaged again in life.
When you take on depression, you are taking on a challenge; the longer and deeper the depression, the greater the challenge. Whether you struggle with a low grade, a moderate, or a severe depression, you can overcome it with persistence, determination and patience. Strive for progress, slow steady progress, and take it one day at a time, employing at least one strategy every day, starting as early in the day as possible. Keeping it in the day, so to speak, can help free you from the failures or regrets of the past (and we all have them) and protects you from anxieties about the future.
For many, overcoming depression, whether accomplished through self-help strategies or with professional help, is a learning, letting go, and self-acceptance process: learning how to be happy, letting go of (or becoming reconciled with) those conditions or parts of yourself that have held you back, and embracing yourself with compassion and humor.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Taking On Depression: Part 5: Body Language
Just as you can change the focus of your thoughts (the content of your mind) in order to change your mood, you can also elevate your mood by doing a variety of things with/for your body. The most immediate change you can make may simply be your posture. Most of us prepare ourselves for our reflection in a mirror by making little adjustments before we look. But I dare you to take a candid look at yourself in a full length mirror. What do you see? Do you need to tuck in your tush and your tummy, straighten your back, lift your chest and relax your shoulders, tuck in your chin? Having done so, do you feel even a bit more self-possessed? More dignified? If this is not your usual, commit yourself to making it so, and every time you become aware that you are slumping or slouching, tidy it up. You’ll look better and feel better.
How about your face? Many of us are surprised by what we see when we’re caught by surprise in a mirror. We may see a furrowed brow, grim mouth, tense jaw, protruding chin, or other signs of tension. Many of us do store tension in our faces, so while you’re correcting your posture, put on a happy face, or at least release the tightness around your eyes, your brow, your nose and cheeks, your jaw and mouth. If you’re not smiling at this moment, think a pleasant thought and smile. The way you now feel is your proof that even smiling to yourself can shift your mood. You can give yourself the further enjoyment of smiling at others, including strangers, and watching their mood shift along with yours.
Then there’s the matter of exercise. Everyone knows about endorphins, the body’s natural mood enhancers, which are produced by aerobic exercise. You may know from your own experience that regular exercise is energizing and boosts self-esteem right along with the immune system and general fitness. The endorphins help lift mood, and so does exercising the self-discipline to do something you know is good for you. If you exercise with gratitude for a body that is able to exercise, regardless of your level of fitness, and further, do so mindfully and respectful of your limitations, you ramp up the benefit even further.
So, even simple things that you can do with and for your body can improve your mood. Anthony Robbins, the hugely successful motivational speaker acquired his material from exhaustive research as well as from his own experience overcoming major depression. One self-observation he made is somewhat similar to the “fake-it-‘til-you-make-it” strategy, or acting “as if.” At a time when he saw himself as an utter failure, he realized he immediately felt better by simply carrying and presenting himself as he would if he felt great about himself, i.e., by carrying himself straight and tall, by looking others in the eye, smiling and showing some interest in them, all actions that typically elicited positively reinforcing responses. By taking a shower, donning clean and self-respecting attire, shaving and combing his hair, correcting his posture, and being willing to smile, he came to realize how much power he could exercise over his own life and sense of well-being.
For him, this was the beginning of his implementation of a daily routine of deciding and visualizing what he wanted for that day, including what he wanted to accomplish, how he wanted to interact with others, the attitude and mood he wanted to carry, and how he wanted to respond to annoyances and frustrations. This harkens back to the previous blog addressing what you want. It is obviously helpful, therefore, to engage the mind in a manner that supports what you are doing. So, if you find yourself thinking, “That may work for some people, but not for me,” then transform that thought to something like, “If it works for others, it will certainly work for me, too.”
Any discussion of caring for your body is incomplete without talking about “fuel.” It is common knowledge that a balanced diet low in sugar and fat is good for the brain and body and that both diet and exercise are critical to health maintenance and longevity. We all know the difference between good nutrition and junk food; we’ve been hearing the data and the warnings for years, decades really. You need not be a purist. I, for one, am a believer in the benefit of my daily dose of chocolate (rarely just one square). And I consider a slight excess of carbs to be one source of soul food. But without good nutrition, the amazingly adaptable and most forgiving body will begin to cause you problems and expense far greater than that of providing yourself good nutrition. Yes, it does take effort to budget the necessary time and money, but doing so is, again, self-empowering and helps lift and maintain a good mood.
Well, you may say, I can manage all these things quite comfortably when I’m not depressed. When I’m depressed, it’s more of a struggle to motivate myself and may even feel impossible. It is true that it may feel impossible, but it is not true that it is impossible. It may help to remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once. You can start by just doing one thing, even one very small thing, until it becomes routine, and then add another action. Do not permit yourself to be seduced by the feeling, but stay focused on what you want and what you are going to do, and then put yourself in motion. And don’t indulge in discouragement if results are not stellar at first. Persist and you will get your results.
Think about this: what impression would you like to create in the mind of someone meeting you for the 1st time, or even for the 1st time today? What do you want the “take away” to be from your encounter with another person today? Do you want it to be productive, useful, pleasant, fun? Do you want to relax and enjoy it and for both of you to walk away from it feeling at least generally positive? Imagine yourself engaged in such an encounter and then play it out in your interactions. If you can imagine it, you can do it, however much practice it may take. If you fear that making changes such as those suggested here will be too “out of character,” too noticeable to others, or evoke comments or compliments, don’t be deterred. In response, you can just smile mysteriously and say that you’re conducting a scientific study.
For some who are battling depression, the thought of having to make such an effort indefinitely may be overwhelming. Do it just for today. “Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s but a dream.” Commit to doing something just for today. Changing your behavior, i.e., your posture, your face, your care of your body, your energy, in some small way may produce an initially imperceptible difference, but the momentum builds. The long term results of persistent small changes can be huge.
How about your face? Many of us are surprised by what we see when we’re caught by surprise in a mirror. We may see a furrowed brow, grim mouth, tense jaw, protruding chin, or other signs of tension. Many of us do store tension in our faces, so while you’re correcting your posture, put on a happy face, or at least release the tightness around your eyes, your brow, your nose and cheeks, your jaw and mouth. If you’re not smiling at this moment, think a pleasant thought and smile. The way you now feel is your proof that even smiling to yourself can shift your mood. You can give yourself the further enjoyment of smiling at others, including strangers, and watching their mood shift along with yours.
Then there’s the matter of exercise. Everyone knows about endorphins, the body’s natural mood enhancers, which are produced by aerobic exercise. You may know from your own experience that regular exercise is energizing and boosts self-esteem right along with the immune system and general fitness. The endorphins help lift mood, and so does exercising the self-discipline to do something you know is good for you. If you exercise with gratitude for a body that is able to exercise, regardless of your level of fitness, and further, do so mindfully and respectful of your limitations, you ramp up the benefit even further.
So, even simple things that you can do with and for your body can improve your mood. Anthony Robbins, the hugely successful motivational speaker acquired his material from exhaustive research as well as from his own experience overcoming major depression. One self-observation he made is somewhat similar to the “fake-it-‘til-you-make-it” strategy, or acting “as if.” At a time when he saw himself as an utter failure, he realized he immediately felt better by simply carrying and presenting himself as he would if he felt great about himself, i.e., by carrying himself straight and tall, by looking others in the eye, smiling and showing some interest in them, all actions that typically elicited positively reinforcing responses. By taking a shower, donning clean and self-respecting attire, shaving and combing his hair, correcting his posture, and being willing to smile, he came to realize how much power he could exercise over his own life and sense of well-being.
For him, this was the beginning of his implementation of a daily routine of deciding and visualizing what he wanted for that day, including what he wanted to accomplish, how he wanted to interact with others, the attitude and mood he wanted to carry, and how he wanted to respond to annoyances and frustrations. This harkens back to the previous blog addressing what you want. It is obviously helpful, therefore, to engage the mind in a manner that supports what you are doing. So, if you find yourself thinking, “That may work for some people, but not for me,” then transform that thought to something like, “If it works for others, it will certainly work for me, too.”
Any discussion of caring for your body is incomplete without talking about “fuel.” It is common knowledge that a balanced diet low in sugar and fat is good for the brain and body and that both diet and exercise are critical to health maintenance and longevity. We all know the difference between good nutrition and junk food; we’ve been hearing the data and the warnings for years, decades really. You need not be a purist. I, for one, am a believer in the benefit of my daily dose of chocolate (rarely just one square). And I consider a slight excess of carbs to be one source of soul food. But without good nutrition, the amazingly adaptable and most forgiving body will begin to cause you problems and expense far greater than that of providing yourself good nutrition. Yes, it does take effort to budget the necessary time and money, but doing so is, again, self-empowering and helps lift and maintain a good mood.
Well, you may say, I can manage all these things quite comfortably when I’m not depressed. When I’m depressed, it’s more of a struggle to motivate myself and may even feel impossible. It is true that it may feel impossible, but it is not true that it is impossible. It may help to remember that you don’t have to do everything all at once. You can start by just doing one thing, even one very small thing, until it becomes routine, and then add another action. Do not permit yourself to be seduced by the feeling, but stay focused on what you want and what you are going to do, and then put yourself in motion. And don’t indulge in discouragement if results are not stellar at first. Persist and you will get your results.
Think about this: what impression would you like to create in the mind of someone meeting you for the 1st time, or even for the 1st time today? What do you want the “take away” to be from your encounter with another person today? Do you want it to be productive, useful, pleasant, fun? Do you want to relax and enjoy it and for both of you to walk away from it feeling at least generally positive? Imagine yourself engaged in such an encounter and then play it out in your interactions. If you can imagine it, you can do it, however much practice it may take. If you fear that making changes such as those suggested here will be too “out of character,” too noticeable to others, or evoke comments or compliments, don’t be deterred. In response, you can just smile mysteriously and say that you’re conducting a scientific study.
For some who are battling depression, the thought of having to make such an effort indefinitely may be overwhelming. Do it just for today. “Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s but a dream.” Commit to doing something just for today. Changing your behavior, i.e., your posture, your face, your care of your body, your energy, in some small way may produce an initially imperceptible difference, but the momentum builds. The long term results of persistent small changes can be huge.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Taking On Depression: Part 4: What Do You Want?
Overcoming depression is about change. Last time I talked about changing your thinking by focusing on thoughts of gratitude in order to generate the energy to act, to make further changes, to get where you want to be. For many with depression, especially long term depression, thoughts about what you want may have become habitually secondary to what you think others want from you. Early childhood experiences that honed your vigilant attentiveness to others’ needs may have represented an instinctive and necessary, i.e., adaptive survival strategy. While sensitivity and responsiveness to others’ needs can be rewarding, maybe even lead to a career path as a lawyer that employs your valuable people skills, it can also become an impediment to your discovery of what you really want and need, to what will enable you to experience “authentic happiness,” not just win others’ admiration and approval, and perhaps a spurious sense of security.
A common manifestation of this impediment is what is increasingly referred to as “codependency,” a relationship of mutual dependency based on an implicit bargain in which “I take care of you and you take care of me,” in which both parties avoid having to take full responsibility for themselves. While self-sacrifice is a part of all healthy committed relationships (spouses and parents do it all the time), sacrificing oneself in order to avoid something difficult, or to leverage payback from the other is a form of avoidance or manipulation. Whether it occurs in a personal relationship or a professional one, it is somewhat dishonest, self-defeating and disempowering and inevitably creates resentments, disappointments, feelings of victimization, and possibly depression.
Some have never learned to give themselves permission to want and to dream, to know their own feelings and wishes, or have done so in a very limited way. Some may be very clear about what they want in one sphere of their lives, say the professional sphere, and much less so in their personal life, e.g., the successful lawyer who lacks close satisfying personal relationships. So, how do you begin to identify what you want? One place to start is to simply think about what makes you feel good, enhances your self-esteem, that employs your unique talents, that piques your interest or gives you enjoyment, that inspires, energizes, and excites you, that makes you want to get up in the morning.
If you haven’t felt any of these things recently, or experienced them in only one sphere of your life, think as far back as necessary to when you did. Pursuing the things that make you feel good is not frivolous self-indulgence; it is a participation in life, in the creative process. True creativity is implicitly positive, additive, contributing to the larger community and greater good in some way, however small. Do you like to cook and make pleasing meals for your family? That is creative. Do you like to read and share your thoughts with a book club? That is creative. Do you grow vegetables or flowers in a garden? Exercise to maintain your health and energy? Keep a home that is welcoming to others? Work collaboratively with others at home, in the workplace, in the community? Share your energy, time, or money with someone in need of it? Do you smile at strangers? Write programs, plays, books, pamphlets, songs, poetry, menus? Do you pray, meditate, praise, appreciate? It’s all creative.
What do you want? If you don’t know, then you must figure it out, discover it, keep asking yourself the question until you do. Be sure to ask yourself the right question(s). Do not ask yourself questions such as, “Why can’t I do this?” or, “Why can’t I be happy?” or “Why haven’t I accomplished more?” Such questions invest a subtle belief in an undesirable condition. The questions are pointless and will yield invalid, useless answers. Ask instead, “How can I do this?” “What makes me happy?” “What can I do to make myself feel good right now?” The amended questions create a receptivity to discover new possibilities, ones you may not have previously considered.
If you want to feel good, you must discover, decide, and begin to move toward what you want. It involves training yourself to think in ways that open possibilities, create new opportunities. Give yourself permission to explore what you want. Dream, visualize, fantasize, and then take a step. In so doing, you are beginning to change yourself, consciously and intentionally, from inside out and outside in. Your best and healthiest self is happy, alive, involved, and active. If you realize you have an interest in something, stay with it and nurture it with some action, however small, that moves you in that direction. You can change course at any point as you gain clarity about exactly what you want. If you don’t know what to do, seek the assistance of someone who can help you discover what you want and overcome inertia.
A helpful and inspiring read is Martin Seligman’s book, Authentic Happiness. He correctly notes that happiness is not something that one can pursue directly; rather, that happiness is a condition that ensues from the creative utilization of our given talents in a manner that participates in and contributes to the greater community – be it your family, your workplace, your neighborhood, or the world. Everyone, even you at your most depressed, has something to offer. I’ll go so far as to invoke Chaos Theory; the truth is you may never know how even an unreturned smile to a stranger will reverberate and magnify to your own or another's ultimate benefit, or how your holding the door for someone may improve the course of that person's whole day. Small consistent efforts at change can produce enormous results over time. The important thing is to act, to put yourself in motion and enjoy the results.
A common manifestation of this impediment is what is increasingly referred to as “codependency,” a relationship of mutual dependency based on an implicit bargain in which “I take care of you and you take care of me,” in which both parties avoid having to take full responsibility for themselves. While self-sacrifice is a part of all healthy committed relationships (spouses and parents do it all the time), sacrificing oneself in order to avoid something difficult, or to leverage payback from the other is a form of avoidance or manipulation. Whether it occurs in a personal relationship or a professional one, it is somewhat dishonest, self-defeating and disempowering and inevitably creates resentments, disappointments, feelings of victimization, and possibly depression.
Some have never learned to give themselves permission to want and to dream, to know their own feelings and wishes, or have done so in a very limited way. Some may be very clear about what they want in one sphere of their lives, say the professional sphere, and much less so in their personal life, e.g., the successful lawyer who lacks close satisfying personal relationships. So, how do you begin to identify what you want? One place to start is to simply think about what makes you feel good, enhances your self-esteem, that employs your unique talents, that piques your interest or gives you enjoyment, that inspires, energizes, and excites you, that makes you want to get up in the morning.
If you haven’t felt any of these things recently, or experienced them in only one sphere of your life, think as far back as necessary to when you did. Pursuing the things that make you feel good is not frivolous self-indulgence; it is a participation in life, in the creative process. True creativity is implicitly positive, additive, contributing to the larger community and greater good in some way, however small. Do you like to cook and make pleasing meals for your family? That is creative. Do you like to read and share your thoughts with a book club? That is creative. Do you grow vegetables or flowers in a garden? Exercise to maintain your health and energy? Keep a home that is welcoming to others? Work collaboratively with others at home, in the workplace, in the community? Share your energy, time, or money with someone in need of it? Do you smile at strangers? Write programs, plays, books, pamphlets, songs, poetry, menus? Do you pray, meditate, praise, appreciate? It’s all creative.
What do you want? If you don’t know, then you must figure it out, discover it, keep asking yourself the question until you do. Be sure to ask yourself the right question(s). Do not ask yourself questions such as, “Why can’t I do this?” or, “Why can’t I be happy?” or “Why haven’t I accomplished more?” Such questions invest a subtle belief in an undesirable condition. The questions are pointless and will yield invalid, useless answers. Ask instead, “How can I do this?” “What makes me happy?” “What can I do to make myself feel good right now?” The amended questions create a receptivity to discover new possibilities, ones you may not have previously considered.
If you want to feel good, you must discover, decide, and begin to move toward what you want. It involves training yourself to think in ways that open possibilities, create new opportunities. Give yourself permission to explore what you want. Dream, visualize, fantasize, and then take a step. In so doing, you are beginning to change yourself, consciously and intentionally, from inside out and outside in. Your best and healthiest self is happy, alive, involved, and active. If you realize you have an interest in something, stay with it and nurture it with some action, however small, that moves you in that direction. You can change course at any point as you gain clarity about exactly what you want. If you don’t know what to do, seek the assistance of someone who can help you discover what you want and overcome inertia.
A helpful and inspiring read is Martin Seligman’s book, Authentic Happiness. He correctly notes that happiness is not something that one can pursue directly; rather, that happiness is a condition that ensues from the creative utilization of our given talents in a manner that participates in and contributes to the greater community – be it your family, your workplace, your neighborhood, or the world. Everyone, even you at your most depressed, has something to offer. I’ll go so far as to invoke Chaos Theory; the truth is you may never know how even an unreturned smile to a stranger will reverberate and magnify to your own or another's ultimate benefit, or how your holding the door for someone may improve the course of that person's whole day. Small consistent efforts at change can produce enormous results over time. The important thing is to act, to put yourself in motion and enjoy the results.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Taking on Depression: Part 3: Gratitude
The “practice” of gratitude is one of the most powerful things you can do to overcome depression. Genuine gratitude includes both a thought and its emotional correlate. Thoughts usually carry an emotional valence: it’s a nice day, you feel glad; the partner likes your work, you feel competent; your child earned good grades, you feel proud; you’re going skiing, you feel excited; a snowstorm is coming, you feel annoyed. Because gratitude is a positive thought, it always carries a positive emotional valence.
Your thoughts and their emotional correlates do not occur in a vacuum. They occur in your body and influence biochemical processes. The mind-body connection is a well established fact. The most obvious examples are the connection between a happy, purposeful, socially connected life - and health and longevity; the connection between stress - and heart disease; the connection between the practice of meditation – and improved mood, concentration, and general health; the connection between the belief that you can’t do something - and attempts to do it that somehow fail.
You are energized or enervated by your thoughts. Prove it to yourself. Think back to a time when you felt really grateful for something. How is that thought affecting you physically right now? Do you feel a relief of tension? Increased energy? Greater lightheartedness? How about emotionally and mentally? Are you, even briefly, less anxious or worried? More hopeful? Happy? Joyful? More emotionally available? Prove it further: tell yourself right now, “I am grateful that I am loveable and competent.” Repeat it several times, letting the meaning sink in. How are your mood and your body responding?
Gratitude is as automatic for some as negative, depressed thinking may be for others. The automatically grateful perhaps have had life experiences that gave them sufficient reason to believe that they were good and deserving and that life would unfold favorably enough if they just did their part. Lucky them. For others, life experience may have tipped the balance toward less optimistic beliefs and expectations, against the odds of which they seem to continually struggle in order to achieve at least partial success and happiness. We are all somewhere on that continuum, and those for whom gratitude is not automatic may have to work harder, with real commitment and determined practice.
If you are not among the group of “automatically grateful,” how do you become more grateful?
· Commit yourself to practicing gratitude. (If you pray, pray for the gift of gratitude.) Making the commitment alone begins to change your energy and your ability to follow through. There are an infinite number of things, past, present and future, for which you can be grateful.
· Short-stop negative thoughts with statements of gratitude, ideally, a statement that reformulates the negative thought into a positive thought. Example: “I wish I didn’t have to get where I have to go by walking in the rain.” Re-formulation: “Thank you that I have two legs and the ability walk. Thank you that I can see where I going. Thank you that I have an umbrella and a hand to hold it. Thank you for water. Thank you for the way rain enriches the colors of nature. Thank you for the sun and its eventual return. Thank you for the opportunity to practice gratitude.” Another example: “At this rate, I’ll be broke before I find a job.” Re-formulation: “Thank you for the job I last held, and for all the jobs I’ve held previously. Thank you for all the knowledge and experience, friends or mentors I acquired through them. Thank you for all my opportunities for education and training, and for my many abilities. Thank you for the people who come into my life who contribute to my search. Thank you for the creative ability to make the most of what I have now. Thank you for ‘the sun in the morning and the moon at night.’”
· Reinforce gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal. Write down the things for which you are grateful (and notice what happens to your mood and body in the process).
· Make a mental list as you go to sleep of the things for which you are grateful that day (and notice how quickly you fall asleep). Do the same when you awake, before getting up. If you awake at night and have trouble returning to sleep, resume thoughts of gratitude, perhaps beginning with having a safe, warm place to sleep and the ability to relax into it and enjoy it whether or not you’re sleeping, for the ability to breathe unassisted, for a comfortable pillow, etc. etc., etc.
· Remind yourself to be grateful. One person (referenced in the very helpful book, The Mindful Way through Depression) did this by carrying a small smooth stone in his pocket to remind him throughout his day to think grateful thoughts, setting it next to his bed at night, ending his day and beginning his next day with grateful thoughts.
· Practice. It does take practice to develop any new habit, including a mental habit. Making a habit of gratitude is a great on-going, practically failsafe defense against depression; the two cannot co-exist for long. This “attitude of gratitude” is a key element practiced by 12-step program members who over time find themselves surprisingly and wonderfully transformed. You will, too.
The practice of gratitude is a deliberate mental practice that carries a positive emotional valence which helps correct negative thinking, relieves potentially damaging stress to the body and generates increasing levels of energy, enabling you to see and respond to new previously unnoticed possibilities. As it builds, with your continued practice, you will find yourself regaining and consolidating your power, and depression losing its grip.
Your thoughts and their emotional correlates do not occur in a vacuum. They occur in your body and influence biochemical processes. The mind-body connection is a well established fact. The most obvious examples are the connection between a happy, purposeful, socially connected life - and health and longevity; the connection between stress - and heart disease; the connection between the practice of meditation – and improved mood, concentration, and general health; the connection between the belief that you can’t do something - and attempts to do it that somehow fail.
You are energized or enervated by your thoughts. Prove it to yourself. Think back to a time when you felt really grateful for something. How is that thought affecting you physically right now? Do you feel a relief of tension? Increased energy? Greater lightheartedness? How about emotionally and mentally? Are you, even briefly, less anxious or worried? More hopeful? Happy? Joyful? More emotionally available? Prove it further: tell yourself right now, “I am grateful that I am loveable and competent.” Repeat it several times, letting the meaning sink in. How are your mood and your body responding?
Gratitude is as automatic for some as negative, depressed thinking may be for others. The automatically grateful perhaps have had life experiences that gave them sufficient reason to believe that they were good and deserving and that life would unfold favorably enough if they just did their part. Lucky them. For others, life experience may have tipped the balance toward less optimistic beliefs and expectations, against the odds of which they seem to continually struggle in order to achieve at least partial success and happiness. We are all somewhere on that continuum, and those for whom gratitude is not automatic may have to work harder, with real commitment and determined practice.
If you are not among the group of “automatically grateful,” how do you become more grateful?
· Commit yourself to practicing gratitude. (If you pray, pray for the gift of gratitude.) Making the commitment alone begins to change your energy and your ability to follow through. There are an infinite number of things, past, present and future, for which you can be grateful.
· Short-stop negative thoughts with statements of gratitude, ideally, a statement that reformulates the negative thought into a positive thought. Example: “I wish I didn’t have to get where I have to go by walking in the rain.” Re-formulation: “Thank you that I have two legs and the ability walk. Thank you that I can see where I going. Thank you that I have an umbrella and a hand to hold it. Thank you for water. Thank you for the way rain enriches the colors of nature. Thank you for the sun and its eventual return. Thank you for the opportunity to practice gratitude.” Another example: “At this rate, I’ll be broke before I find a job.” Re-formulation: “Thank you for the job I last held, and for all the jobs I’ve held previously. Thank you for all the knowledge and experience, friends or mentors I acquired through them. Thank you for all my opportunities for education and training, and for my many abilities. Thank you for the people who come into my life who contribute to my search. Thank you for the creative ability to make the most of what I have now. Thank you for ‘the sun in the morning and the moon at night.’”
· Reinforce gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal. Write down the things for which you are grateful (and notice what happens to your mood and body in the process).
· Make a mental list as you go to sleep of the things for which you are grateful that day (and notice how quickly you fall asleep). Do the same when you awake, before getting up. If you awake at night and have trouble returning to sleep, resume thoughts of gratitude, perhaps beginning with having a safe, warm place to sleep and the ability to relax into it and enjoy it whether or not you’re sleeping, for the ability to breathe unassisted, for a comfortable pillow, etc. etc., etc.
· Remind yourself to be grateful. One person (referenced in the very helpful book, The Mindful Way through Depression) did this by carrying a small smooth stone in his pocket to remind him throughout his day to think grateful thoughts, setting it next to his bed at night, ending his day and beginning his next day with grateful thoughts.
· Practice. It does take practice to develop any new habit, including a mental habit. Making a habit of gratitude is a great on-going, practically failsafe defense against depression; the two cannot co-exist for long. This “attitude of gratitude” is a key element practiced by 12-step program members who over time find themselves surprisingly and wonderfully transformed. You will, too.
The practice of gratitude is a deliberate mental practice that carries a positive emotional valence which helps correct negative thinking, relieves potentially damaging stress to the body and generates increasing levels of energy, enabling you to see and respond to new previously unnoticed possibilities. As it builds, with your continued practice, you will find yourself regaining and consolidating your power, and depression losing its grip.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Taking On Depression: Part 2: Change Your Thinking
As I’ve stated before, in order to overcome depression something has to change. More accurately, you have to change something, because what you have been doing is clearly not working for you if you are depressed. One of the most important, effective, and perhaps most challenging changes you can make is in your thinking. What does your thinking have to do with how you’re feeling? Everything! While many believe that pleasant thoughts flow when you’re feeling good, the reverse is also the case: positive thoughts generate positive feelings. When immersed and perhaps feeling trapped in depression’s hallmark feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness, you have first succumbed to thoughts that create a sense of helplessness, hopelessness and/or worthlessness.
I say ‘succumbed’ because you are unconsciously complicit with, or acquiescing to, negative thoughts, something easily done because they are often automatic, non-stop, and not usually subjected to our scrutiny. If we did examine them, we would find that they are also frequently unencumbered by reality and capital ‘T’ Truth. Our wakeful but unobserved thinking can carry a lot of mood deflating content consisting of fact-less opinions, invalid assumptions, skewed perceptions, misinterpretations, suppositions, pessimistic expectations, etc., aptly referred to by 12-step programs as “stinkin’ thinkin.” It is a disempowering, disabling cascade of subliminal thoughts that may begin with such phrases as, You never… I can’t…, I’m not…, I don’t…, If only…, which foreclose on all the possibilities lying just beyond worst case scenarios and a constricted imagination. Such thinking not only generates depression but shows up sooner or later in minor or major depleting, self-defeating, irrational, offensive or anti-social behaviors, and sometimes in quite significant emotional pain, as well. It can muck up our plans, screw up our relationships, interfere with our performance, and sink our mood.
But, just as 12-step participants learn to change their thinking in order to free themselves from their addictive behaviors, those with depression can do the same. You can exercise your option to become more aware of your thoughts, evaluate their truth and validity, and reject the distorted thinking that lurks behind and gives rise to every depression. And then you can substitute more accurate and positive thoughts that reflect reality, generate new energy, and inspire action.
Observing and changing what you think appears so simple and elemental a strategy that it may seem to trivialize the painful and debilitating experience of depression. However, simple does not mean easy. Anyone who makes the effort to change his/her thinking is quickly disabused of the belief that it is easy. It is a skill that is learned over time with practice, supported and reinforced by commitment and perseverance, and ideally, professional help.
Why is it so difficult? In order to begin to observe your thinking, you must slow down, quiet the noise and distraction, and listen to yourself. Part of the difficulty, therefore, lies in shifting one’s focus inward, and being willing to go against the grain of the dominant culture that values speed, productivity, constant stimulation, acquisitiveness, and conformity. Lawyer culture, in particular, emphasizes devoting precious hours to tangible productivity.
The other part of the difficulty lies in the nature of our thoughts and thinking. When not fully engaged in concentrated mental activity, or in a meditation practice, our minds usually roll along in subliminal, rapidly shifting, fragmented and unformulated thoughts, assumptions, opinions, wishes, memories, plans, often with attached feelings, much of which we are quite unaware of within nano-seconds of their occurrence, if at all. They are reactive to all forms of stimulation, may be habitual, and may represent components of defenses against unresolved painful emotional experiences. In addition, thoughts that seem particularly resistant to our efforts to change may be rooted in deep-seated false beliefs that were formed early, perhaps even at a pre-verbal stage of development.
In addition, becoming an observer of your thoughts eventually leads to also observing your behavior, augmenting the process of self-discovery that inevitably contains the good, the bad and the ugly, and sooner or later, a closer encounter with your own vulnerability. So, besides moving away from cultural norms, you risk seeing yourself through a wider angle lens. But the ensuing awareness and acceptance of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs form the springboard for volitional change, and the opportunity to lose the depression and feel more alive.
Here are steps you can take to become a better observer and manager of your thoughts:
I say ‘succumbed’ because you are unconsciously complicit with, or acquiescing to, negative thoughts, something easily done because they are often automatic, non-stop, and not usually subjected to our scrutiny. If we did examine them, we would find that they are also frequently unencumbered by reality and capital ‘T’ Truth. Our wakeful but unobserved thinking can carry a lot of mood deflating content consisting of fact-less opinions, invalid assumptions, skewed perceptions, misinterpretations, suppositions, pessimistic expectations, etc., aptly referred to by 12-step programs as “stinkin’ thinkin.” It is a disempowering, disabling cascade of subliminal thoughts that may begin with such phrases as, You never… I can’t…, I’m not…, I don’t…, If only…, which foreclose on all the possibilities lying just beyond worst case scenarios and a constricted imagination. Such thinking not only generates depression but shows up sooner or later in minor or major depleting, self-defeating, irrational, offensive or anti-social behaviors, and sometimes in quite significant emotional pain, as well. It can muck up our plans, screw up our relationships, interfere with our performance, and sink our mood.
But, just as 12-step participants learn to change their thinking in order to free themselves from their addictive behaviors, those with depression can do the same. You can exercise your option to become more aware of your thoughts, evaluate their truth and validity, and reject the distorted thinking that lurks behind and gives rise to every depression. And then you can substitute more accurate and positive thoughts that reflect reality, generate new energy, and inspire action.
Observing and changing what you think appears so simple and elemental a strategy that it may seem to trivialize the painful and debilitating experience of depression. However, simple does not mean easy. Anyone who makes the effort to change his/her thinking is quickly disabused of the belief that it is easy. It is a skill that is learned over time with practice, supported and reinforced by commitment and perseverance, and ideally, professional help.
Why is it so difficult? In order to begin to observe your thinking, you must slow down, quiet the noise and distraction, and listen to yourself. Part of the difficulty, therefore, lies in shifting one’s focus inward, and being willing to go against the grain of the dominant culture that values speed, productivity, constant stimulation, acquisitiveness, and conformity. Lawyer culture, in particular, emphasizes devoting precious hours to tangible productivity.
The other part of the difficulty lies in the nature of our thoughts and thinking. When not fully engaged in concentrated mental activity, or in a meditation practice, our minds usually roll along in subliminal, rapidly shifting, fragmented and unformulated thoughts, assumptions, opinions, wishes, memories, plans, often with attached feelings, much of which we are quite unaware of within nano-seconds of their occurrence, if at all. They are reactive to all forms of stimulation, may be habitual, and may represent components of defenses against unresolved painful emotional experiences. In addition, thoughts that seem particularly resistant to our efforts to change may be rooted in deep-seated false beliefs that were formed early, perhaps even at a pre-verbal stage of development.
In addition, becoming an observer of your thoughts eventually leads to also observing your behavior, augmenting the process of self-discovery that inevitably contains the good, the bad and the ugly, and sooner or later, a closer encounter with your own vulnerability. So, besides moving away from cultural norms, you risk seeing yourself through a wider angle lens. But the ensuing awareness and acceptance of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs form the springboard for volitional change, and the opportunity to lose the depression and feel more alive.
Here are steps you can take to become a better observer and manager of your thoughts:
- Prime the pump by holding the intention to observe your thinking with objective interest and without judgment. This helps to summon, mobilize and focus new energies.
- Journal. Frequently. The process of formulating unedited thoughts and feelings into more or less coherent words and sentences is clearly consciousness raising.
- Tell it to someone. Speak your thoughts and feelings to a skilled and trusted therapist (or friend, or clergyperson) who functions as a sounding board, a source of feedback and perspective, an asker of questions you might not think to ask yourself. Scheduling regular appointments is one way to create a time and space for you.
- Begin a daily spiritual practice, i.e., something that helps you slow down and listen to yourself. This may be a walk on the beach or stroll in the woods, attending church or temple or a good 12-step meeting, meditation (alone and/or in a group), listening closely to beautiful music or visiting an art museum, reading poetry or spiritually inspiring literature, journaling, drawing, or other solitary creative activity, etc.
- Tag and correct negative thoughts. Substitute a corrected thought that specifies what you want. Reinforce the corrected thoughts with repetition, and don’t get discouraged when they recur; stay the course until they weaken and fade.
- Identify and visualize what you want. Depression short-circuits thoughts about what you want and what you can do to achieve it. Begin to move toward “the unachievable” in little steps. Dreams can come true one little step at a time.
- Cultivate self acceptance. “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” (Siddhartha Gautama) When you are feeling down on yourself, identify the reason/thought, e.g., for “I’m too depressed to get anything done,” use this “mantra” to re-focus yourself: “Even though I feel so depressed, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.” Say it repeatedly until you feel it. Modify it to suit other forms of perceived personal failings or troublesome feelings. (Notice that working this thought effectively demonstrates how positive thoughts generate positive feelings.)
Loving, compassionate self-acceptance is a condition for change and for beating depression.
Changing your patterns, especially well-established thought patterns, is challenging. Meeting that challenge means taking responsibility for your own well-being and is the antithesis of depression because it is proactive, empowering, and enlivening. Changing your thinking is a powerful strategy. Does depression ever gradually or spontaneously remit without your active participation? Yes. Agreeable external events may occur that restore confidence, a sense of personal worth, raise expectations, or inspire new positive thinking and behaviors. However, passive waiting for “things to get better” is much more likely to result in more of the same, i.e., continuing or worsening depression. When you take charge of your own journey and take charge of your thinking, expect to feel more alive. Depression and aliveness are mutually exclusive states.
Next time: What Do You Want?
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